Thank you, Guglielmo Gilchrist, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Last week, we bowed to public pressure and made a New Year’s resolution. Unfortunately, due to a screw-up at our printer, the email we sent out was missing crucial information. We would like to take this opportunity to rectify that situation. So. Our New Year’s resolu – you know, the holidays are over, the new year has already started and, in any case, we’ve already broken the resolution we made, so maybe we should just wait until next year. Yeah. We’ll wait until next year.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
The Generic Alternate
Are you the designer of an alternate weekly stuck for a New Year’s cover? Why not use a montage of covers from the previous year?
Alternate Weekly Cover Template
Just put the name of your alternate weekly and a snappy banner referring to the year in review into our handy cover template (and, of course, images of previous covers) and you can get to the staff party before all the good booze is gone!
But, that’s just the beginning! If you’re having trouble making your budget, simply fire your design staff and use this template for every cover of the year! Start with your first cover in the top right corner and go from there. Every week, just drop the oldest one and add a new one. By the time you catch up to the covers made up entirely of covers, it’ll be like looking into the endless reflection of opposed mirrors.
Your readers will be impressed or nauseas, but, either way, isn’t that what being an alternative weekly is all about?
SOURCE: Entertainment For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/home.asp?did=483&dir=bb]
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Are They Serious?
“War against Iraq begins
Dems powerless to stop it, so they vote for it.”
– 2002
“Dems regain control of Congress
Don’t have enough votes to override Presidential veto
So war in Iraq continues”
– 2006
“Hillary Clinton elected President
Says: Supreme Court will block end to war in Iraq
So war continues”
– 2008
“Scalia, Thomas and Alito killed in freak lightning storm
Media would have ‘field day’ if tragedy used to end Iraq war
So war continues”
– 2010
“Dems control Congress, White House and judiciary
Someone in Iowa will be mean to us
So war continues”
– 2015
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1379263033]
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And, Remember: You Don’t Have To Have A Fruitcake To Be A Fruitcake
Welcome to FruitcakeCrossing, where 621,946 people in over 130 countries come to share their passion for inedible food with the world. How? It’s easy.
Leave your fruitcake on a park bench, at a coffee shop, at a hotel on vacation. Share it with a friend or tuck it the bottom slot of a chocolate bar vending machine at the gym – anywhere it might find a new potential (but unlikely) eater! What happens next is up to fate, and we never know where our fruitcakes might travel next. Track the fruitcake’s journey around the world as it is passed on from person to person.
SOURCE: FruitcakeCrossing
[http://www.fruitcakecrossing.com/]
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Now, Don’t You Feel Small?
Because They Earned It
You’ve likely heard widely parroted
Complaints about wealth that was inherited
And the exotic lifestyles of those born wealthy
You mustn’t complain that people in their station
Make more in a day than an African nation
It’s your jealous attitude that isn’t healthy
The business press repeat it so often
It’s a surprise you haven’t learned it
The people whose wealth is obscene
Have it because they earned it
Now, we’re not saying you don’t work hard
As a store attendant or a crossing guard
We’re just saying capital works harder
While you’re barely keeping yourself afloat
Investment bankers are raising all boats
About your future you simply need to be smarter
Given a corner office and a small stake
How large do you think you would have turned it?
The truth is likely not large enough
Because, unlike you, they earned it
Behind their eyes of blue serge
They get kicks out of making companies merge
And getting rid of the employees who love them
And the thing that really smarts
Is that when they were selling off the parts
Your job is usually not one of them
If this had earned you a hundred million dollar bonus
Would you really have spurned it?
Of course you wouldn’t
Because you’d have earned it
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/213.html]
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It’s A Full Day’s Work, Ruling A Country With An Iron Fist
The Democratic Dictator’s To Do List
declare state of emergency
replace confrontational judges with friendly judges
have friendly judges rule that the candidacy of one of your major election opponents is illegal
take off your military uniform (wink wink)
have your other major election opponent assassinated
YOU ARE HERE: express outrage at the assassination of your other major political opponent
round up the usual (terrorist? Muslim extremist? Muslim? Muslim extremist terrorist?) subjects
have a show trial in which some of the usual subjects are found guilty
execute some of the usual subjects, declare the case closed
win the election fair and square (yay!)
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=535&dir=bb]
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They’re Milking It For All It’s Worth
The ad campaign for milk can be summed up in one word: yikes! Having middle aged and elderly farmers rap a tune about the virtues of m-i-l-k while kids skateboarded around them didn’t make drinking milk hip, it made youth culture uncool. Considering how…young and generally undiscerning people who consume youth culture are, that’s quite an accomplishment.
So, what did they choose for a hip replacement? A series of five second ads that end with a cow’s head reaching out of a logo and roaring. This is supposed to make drinking milk look edgy. I first saw the ads in a movie theatre when I was sitting in the front row – I thought the cow was reaching out to rip my head off. I was on edge, but is that what makes an advertisement edgy?
If marketers really want to make milk edgy, they should randomly not pasteurize every thousandth carton. (Okay, if you’re squeamish, make it every ten thousandth carton.) Possible gruesome death from an entirely preventable disease – now, that’s edgy!
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1066452604]
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